it's been feeling really good to talk to you again even though sometimes i still talk to you in writing without sending it. i'm becoming oddly hopeful that one day will be the right day to give you all these thoughts and aches and joys. i do feel regretful though that i'm so angry and so jealous that you've seemed to have welcomed a toxic love back into your life. i let the anger and jealousy rule me every day because i don't know how to channel it positively, i don't even know if it can exist positively. it's volatile and i don't want to be this way, i don't want to be cruel to you, i don't want to stay on guard when i talk to you. i need to figure out how to be your best friend again.

oh lordy huisman, i wrote an angry poem. i called it brass and i don't know why. here it is anyway:

brass
tell me about how when the sun from your sky disappeared
she lit your way

tell me about how when you got stuck in your fear
she pried you away

tell me about how when the words escaped you
she lent you her tongue

tell me about how when you couldn't sleep
she read you a book

tell me about how when you cried into her hair
she didn't pull away

tell me these things
and i'll tell you to go

i guess i'm a little angry about your ex, and i guess i don't think she can love you the way you need. and i guess i need her to go away so that i can finally love you the way i know you deserve.

ireland is really good to us, baby. and i'm not just talking about you and i, but i'm feeling particularly rested and peaceful with the baby here. it's soft and gentle and i feel safe, even when you aren't near me - which has been something i've struggled with for a very long time. i haven't really written any little things to you in a while because i've just been spewing out all of my feelings and all of my love to you in person. half asleep in the morning, while you shave, that one day you trimmed your nose hairs and i think you might've been a little embarrassed until i wiggled the tip of my tongue into your nostril.

i want to try writing a little something once a month at least. i tried back-reading early notes and things from the last year and it's weird to see how ignorant i was, maybe not ignorant, maybe just fully unaware of what love really is because what i feel about you is nothing like i've ever experienced before, it's nothing like love has been described to me before. there was no moment of 'knowing' it just always was and mayby that's what tripped me up. the only thing that's ever been consistent and real is my love for you.

you're the best person i know. thank you for the gift of you and for the gift in my belly. i'll make you proud.

i want to paint that north-facing room with the devil's ivy. i had this dream that we started to spend more time in there since it's closer to what will be the baby's room and in my dream it was painted all these beautiful and intricate blue colors that i actually just spent an hour looking for. i couldn't but what came close was Open Air (SW 6491), i also really like Window Pane (SW 6210). this is just a quick note to remember those paint colors so maybe it doesn't fit in this collection but, i think for us, it's right where it belongs.

you know my favorite time of day is bedtime. i know life is busy for us both and we're in and out of the apartment, we take turns feeding the animals, i saw you putting my new suede boots on a shelf the other day to make sure the dog wouldn't get at them. and i guess it's stuff like that that reminds me of us. of our whole year and some change that brought us here, of everything we went through to get here and as much as it can really suck i know it's just a blip in our story together. i know that i get to crawl into bed with you every night and wake up next to you every morning and what's better than that?

nothing.

i thought about this collection of notes and back in january i decided that i would keep them together, keep adding when i could, and offer it to you when we get married. i think today is a good day to give it to you instead. i think our life together has been through so much and through all of it, i never stopped loving you, i never stopped needing you, and maybe just as importantly, i never stopped wanting you. you are everything good and everything frustrating and everthing kind and all of that aside, my favorite thing about you is that you are with fault and you are with goodness. and i am with fault and i am with goodness but we have this balance that i think is enviable. we don't have it all figured out but we have the desire to. i am not perfect and you are not perfect but our life is because it is the one we've built and tore down and built again and i will do that with you every day for the rest of my life.

i am in love you and when i say forever, i mean that i always have and that i always will.