i came over this morning to see if you wanted to go out with me for breakfast. i could tell you were just getting out of bed by the way you opened the front door and everything about you felt cozy and i had this bit of longing inside of me. you let me in and we hugged and you told me to get the french press out while you showered. you're still showering and the french press is still neatly on the counter, i wanted to write about this moment. i don't know if i'll ever give you this, i hope one day i will.

i'm so warm and tender for you and i'm struggling with what that's suppose to mean. it's like you went from being a stranger to someone i can't imagine not being a central figure in my life. and as i hear the shower turning off i realize that i miss you. i miss you even when you're in the room.

oh my god, you're so funny. we missed 4/20 but we decided that today, april 22nd was just as good because really, it's four twenty too. i think we sat outside with a joint between us and laughed about our shared cleverness for fifteen minutes straight. and i don't know if it's the pot or the fact that i just watched you run across the road to the bodega to get me snack but holy shit, you are my favorite person. i know we frustrate each other sometimes and i'm not even really sure where it comes from when it does happen but is it weird to say that if i have to be frustrated with anyone i'm glad that it's you?

i met this guy. he kissed me and i felt so embroiled with guilt and pain and i just want to talk to you about it. i want to describe the ache, i want you to cup my cheeks and tell me why and tell me it'll stop. i'm scared to tell you and i've never felt scared of talking to you before. i'm sure it's because i want you to approve of him and i'm sure you won't. i wish i knew that felt like a lie. i guess i need to ask this question and i don't know how so maybe it'll help to just write it out but...do you think there's something here with us? i'm scared you'll say no and i'm scared i'll break us and i don't know if you realize this but you're the most important person in my life. how can i risk that? i can't.

happy birthday, baby. i know why we can't celebrate together and it's okay (and actually okay, not in that jen way that you hate when i say it's okay but i'm really devestated about it). i do wish i could be with you. in anticipation last weekend i bought this little vial of coke and buried it shallow in with this chinese money plant that i got you. it has all this really beautiful meaning (the plant, not the coke, also the coke though). legend has it that if you bury a coin in the soil it'll attract spontaneous wealth. i guess i went with the coke instead so that, for you, it'll attract high energy, creativity, confidence when you think you have none, and especially, euphoria - randomly and often. i love you very much and i want nothing but good things for you and with that, i hope you have bad things too. which i know is an odd wish but i know it's an integral part of survival.

i miss you so much i'm going to be sick. i don't know how to do this, i don't know how to be without you. i'm so fucking tired of being confused and scared and unsure of what it means and why i feel like the world is closing in on me. i think i'm in love with you, michiel. i remember exactly how it felt when you kissed me, when your hands pushed through my hair and pulled me close against you. i remember my heart beating so fast i thought it might give out. i remember how it made me feel just the same way i felt that day last november when i met you and you handed me the lighter. and then you laid me down on your bed and nothing changed and everything changed. and now i'm laying in my bed and i want nothing more than to reach out to you. i want to call you and ask you to come over. i want to beg you to come over. i miss your sweet face and your fucking laugh. i miss the way you wrap all around me. i miss every word that comes out of your mouth even the ones that drive me fucking crazy. i miss you and i love you.