| London, Feb 17th, 2018 Michiel was...her universe. Observable, unobservable, a universe of microscope amoeba living on a speck on a leaf of a potted plant, a universe so big it couldn't be contained and a universe so small it existed everywhere, all of the time. Michiel was all things. It was this fact that made the fighting difficult for her. By nature, he is necessary to her survival. The totality of her dependance upon him might not always be a good thing. Like with separation, like with the fighting, like with his request(s) for space and time and her inability to deliver this to him - every second beating past was a lesser beating of her heart. Jennifer's steadfast claims of dying without him were not hyperbole, just fact. Just...her blood cooling in her veins when he was gone. Just...the synapses of her brain growing sluggish without him in her sight. Just...her core drying in his absence. Just...her muscles atrophying without his body to reach for. Spaghettification (or The Noodle Effect) in astrophysics, is characterized by the vertical stretching and horizontal compression of an object caused by extreme Tidal Forces. That's what separation felt like to Jennifer. Like, the last place he stood was now a black hole. Like, it was sucking her in. Like, he needed to save her. Like, he did: A hamper full of his dirty clothes overturned on the floor, an old coffee mug filled with glacial cold bitter liquid in her hand and her body disjointed over the items that smelled like him but stale. It was preferable to her semolina future, though, no? She'd never be able to give him what he needed when the what wasn't her. Nevertheless, their foundation was a seabed. A seabed sometimes succumbing to erosion, a seabed nicked and beaten beneath a torrential current carrying boulders. A seabed never weakened, only rattled. Their love was the ocean. The ocean was salty. The ocean was the cause of erosion. The ocean ushered in the current. These were not bad things, these were natural things. These were the unavoidable Forces of Nature, in love and in oceanography. Michiel once wrote to her "I want to watch it break apart if need be, and choose to put it back together." This was important because they chose, everytime, to be the ocean and embrace their seabed. They chose to put it back together. They created and nutured their Great Big Indestrucitble Life. Now, they chose London. Or London chose them. The distinction wasn't important, what was was that they chose to go, to be together. Marriage wasn't easy, even with the purest love, with the greatest intentions. Marriage required work, but work wasn't something that should be shied away from. Jennifer embraced the work, she wanted to grow their relationship, she wanted to grow as a person, she wanted to be her best version everyday because her Husband deserved that. |
Her Husband also deserved a private plane for their short trip, her Husband also deserved a room at the Chiltern Firehouse - No, not a room. The Firehouse suite (for her sweet.) Often times Jennifer could be accused of being selfish, a brat, a little self-centered. Character flaw #985. But she hoped her efforts at expressing love and care to her Husband were received easily. Their most recent seabed blunder left them both worse for wear, though regenrating their gashed skin, getting stronger in this process. They were alright, they were getting better with every passing second. Before their day of sexual debauchery and their night of...continued sexual debauchery coupled with irresponsible drinking could begin, Jennifer wanted to crack open her ribs, her head, and give him her softness before giving him her body. Of course, the latter was particularly important as Jennifer continued her efforts of showing him the trust she did have despite the hang up she developed. But, she was also Jennifer and Jennifer needed to express. She was five-nine and a hundred-and-some-odd pounds of Please let me show you how much I love you before I choke on it.....and then give me something else to choke on instead. "Daddy. Come sit," on the bed, next to her and her second suitcase opened with finely wrapped gifts inside. The first she would present to him was in the form of a card. Inside the card a polaroid of a painting Jennifer would explain, "It's us, do you remember? [she knew he would] I had it commissioned by an artist in Amsterdam. It's at Dad's, until we get home." Second, the lense. Jennifer didn't know a lot about his collection of cameras and lenses, but she tried to fill in the gaps and help support his hobby in other ways. "I think you need this one?" Finally, the book (read it!) "I learned to bind it on skype with someone in Amsterdam," of this, she was extremely proud, as noted by the way she looked up at him so eager for his approval. "When you proposed you gave me that book of photographs you had taken. All of them showing me in different states of love and life with you. I remember every picture that was in there that night. And I've loved watching it evolve as our relationship has evolved. Dating - Did we ever date? Engaged, married, pregnant, parents... All of that inspired this. You know I'm...well, verbose, I guess. You know I like to write for you and to you. It helps me especially when I feel really overwhelmed with how much I love you and sometimes verbally, my expression falls short. It's like... the language doesn't exist yet to fully explain and communicate how much I love you. I hope that this comes close. I hope this will serve as a reminder to you of how much and how deeply I truly love you. Because, Michiel, I do. I do." |